*sticky

Stickying this post at the top of Sift Talk - sticky requested by therealblankman.

If you join in the Roast (comments, zingers, put-downs, insults, etc.), you understand the following:

• Your name goes into the roast pool for future roasts

• The roastee (in this case, kulpims) is allowed return fire at the end of the proceedings

Now back to my own research, MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA . . .

*sticky

THE JESTER

*scurries away*

Post is already stickied - ignoring sticky request by dotdude.

I'm glad to see therealblankman took some time away from his internet porn to put together a roast so late in the day. I can't imagine the thought process behind selecting his user name. Did you just randomly pick a name from IMDB's worst movies list? Hey, it was either this or therealplutonash.

Therealblankman is Canadian. Let's all take a moment to finish laughing at him for that. I was gonna come up with a Canadian joke, but I think it's just implied with mentioning it.

I see dotdude took some time away from lurking in the sift lounge to be here with us today. Seriously, he's in there all the time. Dotdude is to the sift lounge what Desmond was to the hatch in Lost. If you got that, you're a nerd. Get off the internets and go outside and play.

His user name is a reference to his obsession with dot art. That's art you make with dots. No, seriously. This is exactly why fate was trying to drown all the people in New Orleans, because you come up with shit like dot art!

You may be wondering what "kulpims" name means. It means nothing. It's supposed to sound like 'cool beans'. Seriously. I'm not roasting him right now, I'm just pointing out a fact. He created a user name to sound like 'cool beans'.

I'm sure he's a hit with the ladies.

He's from someplace called Slovenia. It's like the Mexico of Europe. It's like Yugoslavia, but more boring. I see someone called him gay in another post and berticus got all mad about it. I suppose kulpims and berticus' "na koruzi" is over. The truth is, kulpims isn't gay. He wouldn't suck a dick, but he'd sure as hell hold it 'til the swelling went down.

There's really nothing of importance to be said about this guy, to be honest. The most exciting thing he's ever done is ride his bike in a circle to Strawberry Fields. Seriously, doesn't he sound like a fun guy? Wow. Here he is during his first visit to the US.

Anyhow, I'll leave you to what is sure to be the most uneventful and boring roast in the history of Sift Roasts. I hope you all catch AIDS.

Thanks for dropping by, theotherblankman. Blankfist. Christ, it's like the guy chose his handle to reflect his two favorite activities... fisting assholes and pissing me off. Awfully nice of you to at least not just take a hit-and-run dump all over the proceedings here, though that wouldn't be out of character for you.

Do us all a favour, and go away, never to return. Hopefully the next Roaster will have something comprehensible to share.

>> ^rottenseed:
I don't know if it's because you just don't matter, or it's because nobody likes you, but this is one lame roast.


Thanks rottenseed for chiming in.

^ Good old Rottenseed. His sentiments linger, even after 18 months. Kind of like the stink of Patchouli and disease from an old Hippie after they leave the room.

I just came home from the pub, it's 5 AM, so I apologise for I will be forced to read your bullshit excuse for a roast tomorrow, since I can only see what I'm typing with one eye closed. feel free to abuse me in my absence

>> ^dag:
I don't like black people.

Way uncool, dag! Way uncool! This is supposed to be a roast for kulpims, not a place for you to air your bigotry, epic goatee man!

Perhaps a Divas Limbo Contest might cheer up you guys. "How low can you go?" - sounds about right . . .

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2n5y3_wwe-divas-limbo-contest_fun

FUCK IT

WE'LL ROAST HIM LIVE

FUCKING THING SUCKS

Is this the roast? It's more like a vegetarian barbecue, complete with soy hot dogs. Or as blankfist calls them, "edible sex toys." That's not mayo, folks.

Sigh. This is lamer than Michael J. Fox shaking hands with Muhammad Ali while Stephen Hawking does the fox trot.

Hello, is this thing on?

These roasts are becoming so tired, I feel like I'm watching a Ben Stein documentary during a gas leak. Someone light a match and end this suffering.

I guess I should say something about Kulpims, since it's his party, right? Sure.

Kulpims is a foreigner, and I distrust all foreigners. I also distrust Foreigner, because they sing "I Want to Know What Love Is." Which is a song about Ike Turner, I believe. I can't remember. I'm baked off my ass right now. What was I talking about? Oh yeah, fuck Foreigner. and Fuck foreigners. But not Kulpims, because he probably has AIDS or gonorrhea or scurvy, like a pirate. Speaking of pirates, have you seen that one movie where the guy is all like, AAARGH! That shit was hella awesome. But anyway, Kulpims is...uh...Eritrean, right? Or is he Scandinavian? I forget. He's one of those white dudes who rides his bicycle in circles and shoots documentaries about evolution. Or was that Bob Crane? Yeah, that's it. Kulpims is the guy who shoots bondage film and whacks off while hitting himself with a flagellation stick. What was I talking about? Oh yeah:

Fuck Foreigner.









Anybody got any French Onion Dip?

>> ^berticus:
FUCK IT
WE'LL ROAST HIM LIVE
FUCKING THING SUCKS


Whoah! Roid Rage much there berticus?

Oooohhh, my muscles.

Type faster blankfist! We need the rest of the script!

I guess we can add "unrepentant alcoholic", and probably "mass murderer" to the list of charges now.

>> ^kulpims:
I just came home from the pub, it's 5 AM, so I apologise for I will be forced to read your bullshit excuse for a roast tomorrow, since I can only see what I'm typing with one eye closed. feel free to abuse me in my absence

Are you meatbags finished yet?

It's too bad Kulpims doesn't have an Internet girlfriend that I can make fun of. Maybe that would start the ball rolling here.

Seriously, is this thing on?

omg, this roast sucks more balls than gwizz. I really don't know why I even bothered checking in. I'd probably have more fun watching blankfist's 'movies'

Top 15 Jazz Sifters of All Time
4. Ornthoron (557 votes)
5. kulpims (505 votes)

It takes a special kind of person for no one to care enough to come in here and say mean shit about them.

Is it actually "on"? Maybe it's stuck.

and I thought the olympics were boring

kulpims is proud of being stoned at work while writing bad post modernist poetry elaborating on his fear of the industrialization of the world. This is all evident in his sole blog posting: http://jazz.videosift.com/member/kulpims/blog

He's also one of those annoying brats who doesn't capitalize words at the start of sentences. stupid.

>> ^Ornthoron:

Top 15 Jazz Sifters of All Time
4. Ornthoron (557 votes)
5. kulpims (505 votes)

It's not about you, asshole. The whole universe doesn't stop and start when it's convenient for fusionaut. This roast is for kulpims. Maybe if we keep reminding people of that, it'll get started soon.

Hello?

Anyone?

>> ^Fusionaut:
>> ^Ornthoron:
<blockquo
te>Top 15 Jazz Sifters of All Time
4. Ornthoron (557 votes)
5. kulpims (505 votes)
'nuff said.

yes, but who is number one? moi!

I don't normally roast people, but I'm feeling kinda bad for Kulpims, so here goes - dark channel style.

No one loves you and you will die alone.

There once was a man named Kulpims
Whose roast was looking quite grim
No slander, no lies
Which kind of implies
There was nothing with which to begin

Except that I heard Kulpims did "it" with a chimpanzee once. True story. You can read all about it here.

You seriously can't get more roasters than ObsidianFire, a homeless Internet troll with anger issues? What the hell is going on here?

*zombie

Maybe that will raise this from the dead?

<Roast>

<Insert lame opening joke>
<Insert joke about blankfists mother being a whore>
<Insert joke making fun of Therealblankman>
<Insert joke about pot>
<cock joke>
<Insert joke about Slovania>
<Insert even worse joke about slovania, making the first seem better by comparison>
<Insert another joke about blankfists whore of a mother>
<Insert joke making fun of Kulpims>
<Applaud kulpims for his avatar picture with picard wearing a silly hat>
<Counter silly hat picard with a picture of an even sillier hat picard>
<Insert joke about how lame this roast is>
<Insert porn joke>
<Insert intrecate inscest joke about blankfist. And his mother>
<Implicate that blankfists mother is such a whore, kulpims even has a shot with her>
<Laugh at implication>
<Insert ending joke, implying that kulpims is a good sport for putting up with all the shit people are throwing him>
<Laugh at the fact that nobody's actually throwing shit at him>
<Insert joke about how lame this roast is again>

< /Roast>

Blankfist, your mom seriously is a whore.

OK, maybe these two comments will help:

http://www.videosift.com/poll/What-is-the-best-sci-fi-fantasy-movie-series?loadcomm=1#comment-747114

http://fail.videosift.com/talk/Irksome-Things-And-Stuff?loadcomm=1#comment-775527

>> ^blankfist:
Anyhow, I'll leave you to what is sure to be the most uneventful and boring roast in the history of Sift Roasts. I hope you all catch AIDS.

Nailed it. Oh! And my mom is in no way a whore, @Shepppard. She just likes fucking. A lot. For money.

Why should I waste my time roasting a man whose single greatest accomplishment will be leaving a tiny, bloated corpse in some eastern europe harbor?

I've known Roland for many years now and one thing that really stands out is .. hmm. In any case, since his suicide attempt, after the rape scandal, he has really been on the up and up and has played Mafia Wars on facebook more than anyone else, ever, ever. It's a good thing there's not real social aspect to that, since his "skills" in that aren't quite "maxed out". If you understod that, pat yourself on the shoulder you're in the cool crowd now. We're special.

Roland has no real accomplishments or talents, so it's hard to nail him on something - unlike his "walk in the park" with a 13 year old boy that one fateful evening in 2004 - but I digress. His utter lack of anything has led to a spiral of depression, that we have to stop before it leads to things like drugs and.. I suppose we're to late for that. Well, at least we have to close the borders of Slowenia so the "kulpims syndrome" hit the rest of us. Already, I see posters in here spouting angry things at the moon, crying in their deep psychosis. How could you people start this? @therealblankman I blame you for this atrocity. I would say "a pox on you", but you have to enjoy what little time you have left before the leprecy takes your genitals.

This isn't really a roast, it's an intervention to stop the sadness from spreading. And it's damn near impossible. Already, I'm nearly tearing up from it. I would weep for Roland, because of his sad life, but honestly I just don't care. Maybe, some day he will amount to something, but in that shithole of a country there's little chance for redemption.

Go to America, Roland, go there and improve on your life. Live up to the American Dream of slavery and hardship, increase your weekly salary to almost $10. Go, live, procreate with the wildlife. I believe in you, Jesus loves you, and stay the fuck out of Denmark, you hippie.

http://www.jetlagtravel.com/molvania/index.html

Seriously didn't know there was a roast. Sorry to have let you down, since none of you are remotely funny. Let me know next time...having a roast without me is like having a hooker without getting to pummel her over the back of her head with a giant black rubber dildo at the end of your "date"; sure it's fun in theory, but at the end you're just left unsatisfied. Plus how else are you going to fill her nose with your joy goo without having to pay for it?

>> ^Haldaug:
http://www.jetlagtravel.com/molvania/index.html


You're confused, dude. The man hails from Slovenia, not Molvania. You should have known better, nobody's ever written a travel book about Slovenia.

You mean your Blue Man Goop?

>> ^rottenseed:
Seriously didn't know there was a roast. Sorry to have let you down, since none of you are remotely funny. Let me know next time...having a roast without me is like having a hooker without getting to pummel her over the back of her head with a giant black rubber dildo at the end of your "date"; sure it's fun in theory, but at the end you're just left unsatisfied. Plus how else are you going to fill her nose with your joy goo without having to pay for it?


Sick fuck.

Harry and Alfie Hudson's Queer Comments Song

We need to get some of them comedic geniuses from TeeVirus over here to write some of y'alls material. I get more laughs out of the blood stained shirts of rape victims.

That's right! I just roasted the TeeVirus site! What now, bitches?!

>> ^blankfist:
We need to get some of them comedic geniuses from TeeVirus over here to write some of y'alls material. I get more laughs out of the blood stained shirts of rape victims.
That's right! I just roasted the TeeVirus site! What now, bitches?!


Edgy.

Having a roast without you is like having any other party without you. It's fun, exciting, and nobody's preteen daughter ends up with semen in her asshole.

Speaking of which, since when did the parole board say you could have your computer privileges again?

>> ^rottenseed:
Seriously didn't know there was a roast. Sorry to have let you down, since none of you are remotely funny. Let me know next time...having a roast without me is like having a hooker without getting to pummel her over the back of her head with a giant black rubber dildo at the end of your "date"; sure it's fun in theory, but at the end you're just left unsatisfied. Plus how else are you going to fill her nose with your joy goo without having to pay for it?

Preteen daughter? Don't you have to have sex in order to have a preteen daughter? I don't think that girl you kidnapped at the park and locked in your mother's basement can be considered your "daughter". >> ^thinker247:
Having a roast without you is like having any other party without you. It's fun, exciting, and nobody's preteen daughter ends up with semen in her asshole.
Speaking of which, since when did the parole board say you could have your computer privileges again?
>> ^rottenseed:
Seriousl
y didn't know there was a roast. Sorry to have let you down, since none of you are remotely funny. Let me know next time...having a roast without me is like having a hooker without getting to pummel her over the back of her head with a giant black rubber dildo at the end of your "date"; sure it's fun in theory, but at the end you're just left unsatisfied. Plus how else are you going to fill her nose with your joy goo without having to pay for it?

Kulpims, our own Slovenian slacker, admits to being a loser, a smart ass, a drunk and a stoner. He’s already done such a good job of roasting himself, but he left out wannabee.

He lovingly refers to VideoSift as his Sift-crack, choggieland and Home. ‘Guess he didn’t get the eviction notice.

Rosie Palm mentioned that she’s tired of the whole “jazz and jizz” routine. She started to complain hysterically about his obsession with “ass gravy,” but then suddenly went quiet.

He’s been so vigilant in eradicating dupes he’s been nicknamed Deputy Dupe of the VideoSift PD. Siftbot has been run so ragged with commands, he now has kulpims on ignore.

Kulpims is not fond of LOL Cats. Too bad there aren’t any LOL Dogs.

Good night and may the Farce be with you.

Stockholm Syndrome makes her my daughter. It makes all of them my daughters. And I resent your implication that I kidnapped them and put them in the basement. I don't have a basement.
>> ^rottenseed:
Preteen daughter? Don't you have to have sex in order to have a preteen daughter? I don't think that girl you kidnapped at the park and locked in your mother's basement can be considered your "daughter".

What the fuck, man? That's sick. And this is a roast of Kulpims, not your priest's confessional. Keep it on target.
>> ^rottenseed:
I find preteen girls sexually attractive. I enjoy touching them inappropriately.

How about the both of you shut the fuck up and take your conversation somewhere else?

We all know that the only official references to you two and pre-teens have been sealed by the court until those families complete counseling and the trial can begin. I’m surprised they even let you two onto the internet at all.

It should be noted by other Sifters: I’m not saying that either of these two ever had sex with kids. That would imply that they stopped masturbating to them long enough to leave the house for candy and duct-tape. What I am saying is that where THEY are from, their activities concerning children are still illegal.

Unlike Kulpims' homeland: the “Republic” of Slovenia: A nice place to visit if you have a hundred bucks and a week to blow screwing cattle. (Or is it a week to screw, blowing cattle?)

The actual country of Slovenia is almost exactly like we saw it portrayed in the wonderful Eli Roth film: “Hostel”. Except for the beautiful women, the second-world amenities and the large amounts of money changing hands. From what I can tell on Wikipedia, the most notable thing about the place is that it’s where the Nazi’s stopped to take a shit on their way to visit Italy.

Like therealblankman mentions above, Slovenia also has a hockey team. So you might also recognize the name of their most famous citizen: the hockey player Anze Kopitar. He plays for the Los Angeles Kings…

My spell-checker doesn’t even recognize “Slovenia” as a legitimate word so it’s no wonder that Kulpims spends his days trolling the Sift in a weed induced stupor trying to convince people how fascinating it is. What is surprising is that he can get so much time logged onto Slovenia’s computer.

But as a self described “coledge" dropout, he’s ranked just above the country’s minister of science. So they need to call him in every time they have technical problems like needing to clear their cookies, or giving their account information to the Nigerian finance minister.

Now I know I don’t ever spend a lot of time at these pathetic circle-jerks or encouraging their resident narcissists. But in Kulpim’s case, Dag offered me five bucks off of a charter membership to say something that helped improve The Sift’s reputation with Slovenia’s communist government.

Unfortunately, try as I might, I can’t think of anything positive to say about Kulpims OR this piece of shit, overpriced, wannabe youtube that you’re all so enamored with. I guess I’ll just have to keep using it for free… oh, without the ability to blog. There’s a membership incentive for you. Blogging… Give me a fucking break.

So, with nothing nice to say about this site or any of you pale, chubby, acne riddled, pedophile, shut-ins: I’ll leave you with this fascinating NOVA clip about America’s first visit to Slovenia after they finally got rid of their vampire problem:

Enjoy:

Time to put a bullet in the brain of this dying horse. Received word from Buttholeistan- apparently Kulpims died of that paper-cut I mentioned. His passing will be mourned by exactly nobody. His corpse was cremated, but unfortunately the undertaker got a whiff of the smoke and died immediately of a drug overdose.

Thanks to all those who participated in this wake, and to those who came and only voted on the comments without posting one themselves, I raise my middle finger in salute.

GOODNIGHT EVERYONE!

*unsticky

Unstickying this post from the top of Sift Talk - unsticky requested by therealblankman.

Can I have what's left of the shrimp? Or is somebody else gonna take it home?

No parting shots from the guest of honor? Lame.

My heartfelt apologies for my unexpected absence for this fiiiine event. Two of the most noteworthy members of the site and choggie chooses instead, to do some short, hard, time in Harris County's fine holding facility-The Harvard Kennedy School's Ash Center for Democratic Governance and Innovation, explains that the fiiine facility's capacity of just over 9200 inmates has been well over 12K for the last 2 years and, "Something has got to be done!"

Yeah, well, I hope I helped the situation in my own, inimitable fashion (some of you almost got your wish of choggie's face being re-arranged by some slow, thick, supposedly hip motherfucking LATINO, who thought I was some racist....hint hint, all who have ever pulled that card on me, Blankfuck, others...)and wish I could share my intake photo with you all, and have that shit onna t-shirt as well, to give away to folks here when they win some contest I come up with in the near future, that no one will have to volunteer to take part in to receive, save some exchange they have with me in my profile or in public that initiates a formidable and incoherent response, rather than some bullshit, predictable, monkey reaction.


I hope I am not too late to take this fiiiine Slovak for a Roman hay-ride-May I make it short, since every foray into getting to know a bit more about the cat has initiated some invitation on Facebook to fight Mafiosi or some picture of his favorite pastime, swimming nekkid in some chilly pond with his other buddies without a lady...like you could find one in the bottom end of the EEC totem, or want one with a mustache with her momma standing next to her to get a glimpse of her prize after 30!

Anyhow, looks like the others here did full justice, keep up the good work ya pasty fucker, stay indoors, try to remain in the functional camp of clear grain drinkers, and have a fiiiine life...yer in a prison with old growth forests and marmots.

so, blankman took a break jerking-off to olympic ice skating and reminded me that I should wrap things up. you were right, blankman. nobody gives a shit about this roast, or me. *insert long and boring whine here*
well, I gave up hoping I won't be bored to death after day one so I didn't even bother checking in after that. that's cause I love you so much, see - I didn't want this lamefest to spoil my impression of you...

nice new avatar, choggie. too bad we all know you're still a virgin (anal doesn't count). say hi to your hot latino lover, will ya
the geography based east-european jokes are so last century, blankfist. much like your movies

the rest of you assholes i don't even know or care for so that's it, really. my 2 cents and all. I have nothing more to say about your pathetic attempts at ridiculing me. it's my birthday today so I'll be off, getting drunk (it's a slovenian thing, you wouldn't understand)

THE END

Happy Birthday kulpims!


Roast XIII is officially in Post Roast.

The competition for LAST COMMENT begins NOW.

I offer NO PRIZES.

You guys will figure it out.


THE JESTER

Dude, don't condemn what you don't understand. Plushenko was on fire this year, and he just keeps getting better and better looking. Still, skating hasn't been the same since Elvis Stojko hung up his cute leather Captain EO outfits.

>> ^kulpims:
so, blankman took a break jerking-off to olympic ice skating and reminded me that I should wrap things up. you were right, blankman. nobody gives a shit about this roast, or me.