I heard Doc_M was recruited into the virology field by the CDC because he's the only living being that ebola is scared of. He doesn't need to wear a biohazard suit in the lab; the viruses do. Mad cows get their shit together when they see him enter the pasture.

Forget about his work place; just walking into his house is an assault on your genome. And if you touch any *sticky surfaces, contact your next of kin.

Stickying this post at the top of Sift Talk - sticky requested by kronosposeidon.

5. If you had a time machine, would you go to the future or the past? And why?
Past... very... as in millions of years.

Doc_M secretly wants to go back in time to sneeze on a dinosaur to re-create his favorite Simpsons episode Time and Punishment.

Doc_M just want's us all to think he's a brilliant PHD student when really he's more like Homer Simpson. Homer works at a nuclear power plant but he's not a nuclear physicist. Doc_M may work at a lab, but emptying garbage doesn't make him a Geneticist or a Virologist...

PhD? pssh, y'all know what that means:

B.S. = well, BS!
MS = More of the Same
PHD = Piled Higher and Deeper!

Oh, and get yer own favorite sift you thievin’ quack!

A brief reminder:

If you join in on the roast (comments, zingers, put-downs, insults, etc.), you understand the following:

• Your name goes into the roast pool for future roasts

• The Roastee (in this case, Doc_M) is allowed return fire at the end of the proceedings

For those who need help with their Doc_Mology:

Doc_M Survey Answers/Study Guide/Cheat Sheet is here:
http://parody.videosift.com/talk/A-Dissection-of-Doc_M#comment-385755

Recent moments in Doc_MSpeak:
http://parody.videosift.com/usercomments/Doc_M

Really, we do encourage new talent to join in on our roasts. Welcome firefly!

THE JESTER

>> ^dotdude:
• The Roastee (in this case, thesnipe) is allowed return fire at the end of the proceedings

Thesnipe? So even Doc_M is too much of a pussy to retaliate to any and all insults thrown his way. Kudos thesnipe for making Doc_M your bitch.

Although it's not surprising, when he tried to convince us he looked like this when the reality is actually this.

My bad. Typo corrected. Thank you Zeph.

Doc_M, I'm on my way out the door and won't be back until Sunday evening, but let me say quickly that you're a worthless piece of shit and everybody hates you. I won't say this to your face, of course, because I don't want your tae kwon do having ass breaking something off in my rear.

I see you answered that silly roast questionnaire. Number 24, your best memory is sitting in your dorm window? Was your second favorite moment brushing your teeth this morning? It's obvious it takes very little to please you, and you were probably inspired deeply by your elementary school principal. And who's the fucktard that writes these damn questions who can't figure out how to spellcheck? It's 2008, spellcheck is automated in most word processors these days, so get rid of your Word Perfect 1.1 and bit torrent a copy of Microsoft Word, you worthless sack of non-typing shit.

I don't know much about you except you're a French Onion Soup eating, Rob Roy drinking, golf playing doctor. Actually, when you think long and hard about that, I think I do know a lot about you. Here you are looking fabulous after a shot down the 18th hole. Poke it out for the world to see, Doc!

Okay scrubs, I'm out. Have a great roast. The timing for this one is terrible for me. Later gents!

Thus spake Scareathustra-written on the sanitary cocktail napkin of self-indulgence about as well-thought out as premature ejaculation-but seriously.....batter-up, eh??-who is there to follow???....Have a ....."Nice" weekend blankfist....no hard feeeeeelings-

Alright, I'll go next. Reading Doc's profile is like me looking in a mirror, except for a few things;
(1) I saw nothing about fishing, but if he plays golf, it's forgiven.
(2) He works with much smaller patients than I do, although they are equally, or more so, infectious.
(3) I know nothing about Marital Arts. I'm allergic to exercise, (I break out in a sweat everytime)

I think Doc and I both appreciate Einstein's quote, "Science without religion is lame, religion without science is blind."
I'm equally sure we keep up with the same kind of scientific literature, G-string theory (thongology), and everything about plasmids and prions we can find in Maxim.

*lame.

You are bad northern blots.

"11. Are you a breast, butt, or legs man?
Face, but a perky rack is a nice bonus."

Don't be fooled ladies, by face he means... mouth.

Hold on Zeph; I found an old video of Doc_M in action.

http://www.videosift.com/video/Wonder-Woman

^Good find Dotdude. Unfortunatley for Doc_M however, that's an actual woman; something he barely comes into contact with while peering into petri-dishes of god knows what, sniffing all the bacterial effluvia, and hallucinating himself in an invisible plane made of taped together petri-dishes and goatseing anyone unfortunate enough to look skywards.

>> ^dotdude:
Hold on Zeph; I found an old video of Doc_M in action.
http://www.videosift.com/video/Wonder-Woman


No, no, no I thought this was Doc_M! Sure hope his field of study isn’t ophthalmology! Oh, wait now I remember, it’s proctology.

Have always wondered what it would be like to be in a similar field of endeavor-task-oriented, a single goal in mind, working day and night focused diligently on one project, one set of repeated actions.....the distractions and cares of the world non-existent while pushing forward into uncharted territory...surrounded by others with tasks similar to mine, all of us dedicated to reaching new horizons in our chosen disciplines.......But insects don't live that long, and DocM's here so folks like me can chase poontang and gamble.

Don't let the lack of action on yer moment here in the spotlight get ya down Doc, there are others here on the sift as uni-dimensional as yerself....It's hard to roast a cabbage y', gotta add so much flavor to it-like being on a desert island....("Will I eat fish and coconut, or fish and seaweed today???)

Speakin' a fish-glad to know you got yerself' a couple of fellas that you hang out with regularly that share similar interests and diversions...
Rob Roys and Starbucks eh??? Was it that girl you stalk that inspired you to be so......cosmopolitan???

" Sadly, you just can't do biology without animals."....Spoken like a true Onanist. If you took an ultraviolet light over to DocM's pad and dropped some good LSD, his bedroom would look like the stage backdrop at a Jefferson Airplane concert....

when he first got here, his first published post renewed my faith in cartoons being able to explain the obvious-I learned most of what I know from animated explanations of simple phenomenon as well-Now that we are clear on exactly what happened on 9-11...thanks for clearing that up for everyone.....

Yer a great sport DocM, man may the rest of your roast be good for you as well...Afterwards, you might ask Rosy Palm if it was good for her and her five sisters, too....

Doc used to be an ornithologist. Now you know the story behind bird flu.

Hey Doc (just like I'm sure Dr. Dre is a "Doc"): Ever been to South Korea?

Or, I don't know - like Dr. Pepper is a real doctor, or like this guy is a doctor.

^Or this guy.

I am sorry, but-

What about YOU ARE BAD AT NORTHERN BLOTS don't you understand. I bet your western blots are shit too.

This is good science.

http://www.videosift.com/video/Students-Visit-Creation-Museum

Man, doc_m....you really know how to un-inspire these neer-do-wells.... do we need to offer
A:incentives for participation
B:the option to use this endeavor as a gauge of user summation of your contributions
C: make this the last roast, and it call it all yer fault(the pre-ordained participants on the list being either septum-deep in the hormone-indulgence of their choice, or pre-occupied with family board games, or..
D: Wait for karaidl

E:allovetheehub-bub.....

then again, yer nothing to get all overly concerned about, we can always find other Norways n' wharfs to Stick electrodes into......

^An open bar might help. I think I'll fix me a drinkie right now, in fact.

Should we un-ban a few spammers and invite their thoughtful commentary? Or maybe I could post some of the hate mail I receive and pretend that it's for you. Here's one of my favorites. Notice how the one directed at me got 7 upvotes. That shows what a popular guy I am in these parts.

I bet his house smells like an autoclave.

By the way...

Did you all know the 'M' in Doc_M stands for masturbater? I am just pointing that out.

Oh and *viral, because never has it been more appropriate.

Post is already assigned to parody talk - ignoring all requests by MycroftHomlz.

MycroftHomlz edits so he can get a tin can to talk to him.....wanna talk pathetic?

The dotdude is IN.

Mmmmmkay, I have conducted my painstaking research concerning our dear friend and sifter Doc_M . . . .

I’ll begin with the survey . . . . zzzzzzzzzz . . . yes, I nodded off a bit trying to wade my way through it. Hip boots were indeed necessary, not to mention surgical gloves and a face mask.

One thing struck me about the indecision on undergarments and hair . . . You got a kind of AC/DC thing going there . . .

As for religion . . . well I guess most likely we probably have never heard of the particular type of Christianity, you practice, since you put the generic Christian.

A couple of times you said “I’m going to get grief for this” . . . That’s like putting “pick on this” or “kick me” on your back.

Speaking of kicking, I now move on to your own comments around the Sift . . . You say that on the first day you visited the Sift there was a “high concentration (of videos) of people getting kicked in the nuts.” And yet you stayed with us? So is that what you come here for? Should we expect a Balls Kicking Channel from you?

We already have a Balls Flexin’ Channel. I guess a Balls Kickin’ Channel would balance the Sift, hunh.

And last but not least I have to ask about “I have the biggest damn vacuum cleaner in my friggin apartment in my closet damnit!” I realize you were replying to a blog post by swampgirl about her shotgun. But a large appliance whose sole purpose is to suck isn’t quite as impressive as a shotgun.

OK, we've sprayed ParodyTalk with disinfectant. You germ fearin' ninnies can come roast now.

*tosses rubber gloves in the bin*

*grabs used syringe with about 20cc's left innit.........rams into foot through shoe.....

I'm late cuz I had a coffee klatsch to take care of. Yes, brewing a pot of java and henning it up with a bunch of other ladies-with-babies was definitely higher on my to-do list than coming in here to say something about doc_m. But now that I've done the coffee thing, had a barbecue, cleaned my whole house, washed the baby, had a fight with the hubby, sent my kids off and finished my last collection on PackRat, I think I have a little time on my hands before the next diaper change so I can add to the joy that is doc_m's roast.

*ahem*

wait, who?

damn baby needs feeding again.

a videosift roast of Doc_M is like a Dean Martin roast of Pauly Shore...

His jew fro isn't that bad. And Pauly Shore was awesome in Encino Man.

I bet I am the only one here who knows how bad an autoclave smells. It has hands down worse then sticking you head up a cow's ass. Hey Doc, you have done that... which one is worse?

Pauly Shore interview already on the Sift:

http://www.videosift.com/video/Pauly-Shore-Where-is-He-Now

well, doc. you were abolutely right. i am, in fact, a rockstar.

i'm late. stoned. cigarette dangling out of the corner of my mouth. so self-involved that i'm talking about myself at someone else's event. promoting the work of some other asshole. and i expect to be overpaid handsomely for this weak performance.

but you didn't have the balls to post your own photo, so you really didn't give us much to work with, in your Q&A:

21. List your five most cherished possessions.
(blahblahblah preamble, pretending to be deep):
My PC
My Lancer ...

yeah. i'd be lost without mine, too.

It has been a *quality roast so far. I wish the Dr. Zaus would give his closing remarks or something instead of huffing the buffer solution.

Awarding gorgonheap with one star point for this contribution to Sift Talk - declared quality by MycroftHomlz.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzSNSGSLKKK!zzzzzzzMmMmph....zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

more entertaining than a barrel of sleep apnea-

*unsticky

Unstickying this post from the top of Sift Talk - unsticky requested by kronosposeidon.

Well if there is no rebuttal from Doc_M then this concludes his roast. Seeing as he's far too depressed to respond to the slew of insults hurled his way we'll allow heir doctor to retreat to his lab so he can work on a new germ that will kill us all. G'night folks!

what a pagina

You speak too soon my purple-horned (and probably other horned) muppet friend.

Zifnab
Ironically enough, I've emptied my share of garbage in the lab... biohazard and all. It goes without saying then, that I'd never go within a mile of your garbage. Viruses would be the least of my worries.

Firefly
Yeah, I'm Piling it Higher and Deeper... as I will soon do with my money $.$ I'll think of you when I buy my first yaught... think and laugh.

Zeph
Only on weekends and in your fantasies. And if you want, I can lend you some of those petry dishes so you can see what STD's you don't have yet... ya know... add to your collection.

Blankfist
It's OK, I hate you too. And yes, I'm easily entertained and impressed. Funny I don't remember ever laughing at your comments though... In fact, I don't even remember any of your comments. Wait, who am I talking about again? Moving on.

Snooze
I fish too.

Mycroft
...I've known too many physicists. The last I know was also called "yellow hat guy" for most of his life. Just so you know, that's how I picture you... Yellow hat guy masturbating to properly written mathamatica code.
I'm guessing your autoclave smells because you clean it about as often as your ass. That girl that just walked away from you? Yeah, it's the stank.

krono
I don't know if I'd be teasing someone who you suspected invented the Hanta virus. And that was the only time I was in someday I'd like to visit South Korea. It's got Souel.

Dot
It's ok if I call you Dot right? Dude just doesn't seem to fit as well as dot. I happen to have some boxers with dots on them. Is there money in mounting that like you do or should I just stick to the old-fashioned uses? And btw, I can lend you my vacuum if you ever want to suck the last years of cheerios from your beard some time.

Smibbo
Feel free to come back and contribute when you get the crap off your hands and the vomit off your shirt.

15
"i'm late. stoned. cigarette dangling out of the corner of my mouth. so self-involved that i'm talking about myself. and i refuse to take the effort to use the shift key."
I figured.

heap
You noob. In a real roast, the roastee is the last to speak... or where you just afraid?
"Heap" is apt then I guess. Yeah, I like my imaginary characters because plainly talking to you lot is about as interesting as a physics convention or a dot-art exibit. Well, at least it beats just shooting things for a living. Still even that's a job which is more than I bet most of you could dream of having... btw the cyber-cafe doesn't take food stamps anymore so you can cancel your accounts now... and stop stealing coffee from that guy next to you. Sneezing in it first does not add to your class... actually maybe it does... keep doing it then. The saddest bit is that the coolest, most famous person in the room is a tin-can with sunglasses and a fiery temper. Well, that about sums things up. I promise some day when I'm teaching your kids in college (that plainly they'll have to pay for themselves), I'll try to give them the hope you never could. You can have peace in that at least.
Your's oh so sincerely,
Doc_M

Thanks for being a good sport, Doc.